@atthecubicle: Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.
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@mortimermaiden: The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
@jakob_huber: Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
@INDlAN_: [first day as tour guide on the moon] Me: keep your hats on Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets Me: yeah you can take your hat off.