Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
You Might Also Like
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other