@atthecubicle: Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.
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@KeetPotato: [paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak] wife: "it's so beautiful" me: "can you believe they named this after a website?"
@realHamOnWry: In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.
@24HourBitching: Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
@bridger_w: When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, "Now, what I'm about to say is correct"