Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Body by sandwich.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit