Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips