Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
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Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Hell yeah 👍
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish