having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
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Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Sniffing the broccoli
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude