[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.