[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.