Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.