Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from