*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.