Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
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My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.