The booster protects against what, now?
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Very problematic
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.