Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?