He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish