He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Hotels are back
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
courtroom exchange of the day
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.