He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required