@PanicRestroom: He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
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@stephenjmolloy: [Tour of an olive oil factory] Guide: This is where we squash the olives. [Tour of a baby oil factory] Guide: You don't want to go in there
@JediGigi: [on 1st date] Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single? Me: Single? Who's single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
@causticbob: When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.