@PanicRestroom: He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
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@JohnnyCrash5: Friend: How come you didn't come to my babyshower? Me: Oh I'm sorry but I passed away.
@david8hughes: [sees a dog about to get run over] Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close [sees a cat about to get run over] Me: car coming
@TheFearBoners: 8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.