He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
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50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
When your parents check you’re ok.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.