He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
How I’d get arrested…
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
stop
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*