He died doing what he loved: being alive
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I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.