He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You Might Also Like
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.