he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
My current situation
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT