He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
You Might Also Like
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Would you wear it?