He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Buying a well is money well spent.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review