@Ristolable: He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
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@DumbConfessions: Wrong hole. No. Still the wrong hole. Only ONE in each hole! Ugh. Here! I'll show you. -Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
@jasonroeder: Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That's what they want you to think," say, "No, but that's what they wanted you to tell me."
@JiminyKicksIt: It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
@LaceyNycole: *brings donuts to work* Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat. Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.