He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
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Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield