@NathanBgood: He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted's memory lives on.
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@TheToddWilliams: [backstage at GOP debate] AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair. CAT: I'm puking as fast as I can.
@Kayditty: The Bible Belt - the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
@AimeeHelene1: At my funeral, I want them to play "Thriller" and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing. (wins at death)
@Parkerlawyer: Listening to my husband's gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.