He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
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Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
fly smarter, not harder
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
stop
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”