The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
You Might Also Like
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
🤣✨#caturday
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Oceanography is all about current events
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.