[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas