[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
when you are just born a rebel
? 💀
time machine? you mean a clock?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be