“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
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this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My work here is done
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.