he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
You Might Also Like
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves