Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
You Might Also Like
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.