I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
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I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat