@protolalia: He paid me $150 for the "girlfriend experience," so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
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@realHamOnWry: As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.
@TheAlexNevil: Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid's teacher's way, & all of his crafts projects will "mysteriously" disappear after being graded.
@smedlee: "No Kanye, it's called Coney Island." "Kanye Island." "Coney Island" "Kanye Island." "Co... ney." "Kan... ye."
@ianduhig: "I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!"