He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
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I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.