He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
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{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*