he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
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First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans