Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
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RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem