@jnrbtsn: He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it's all screaming and shit.
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@ericsshadow: HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems *i pick up my phone* HER: your behavior is untenable "hold on I'm still googling exacerbate"
@KentWGraham: I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
@turtledumplin: Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he's going to the clinic for a 'work related' injury.
@danjan13: Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can't make it to your 85th bday