He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy