Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…