He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?