He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good