I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
What flavor cupcake are these
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming