He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
What kind of a cult is this?