He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”