He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
yall want some gasoline milk
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times