“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
You Might Also Like
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy