My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
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MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
felt that
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!