[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
nobody’s gonna understand
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.