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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny