@Douchekevin: Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.
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@markydoodoo: THERAPIST: what brings you in today? ME: sharks lack the ability to hug. THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
@Maxine12333: I've always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
@decentbirthday: [camping] me: why can't i find any animals wife: the wildlife is very conservative here deer: climate change is a myth
@TheNardvark: Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga's wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that's the dress code.