@Douchekevin: Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.
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@Underchilde: A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.
@thereverendcink: If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.