“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”